Power Song

Today, right at this moment I stand in the power that pulses through my breath, my spirit, my life. In this present moment I open myself to channel the power song slipping through this portal of my be-ing. Power song surges through me as I open to the universe and the wisdom that desires to manifest in the now.

Though the song pours through me, it is not my song. Its source is THE source, and I open to allow it to flow through this present incarnation humbly and fully. The song is not just words, it is rhythm, melody, vibration that propels me into action. Action, in and of itself, is not power song. Much action is motivated by self-will, and as such may produce less than the highest quality vibration.

How can one tell the difference between self-will, and power song? Self-will tends to be motivated by self-serving outcomes we perceive occurring in the future. Power song arises from a centered source, and finds its purpose in the moment. The moment of creation. The moment of be-ing. Power song pulses with a loving pleasure in the moment, without expectation of the future. Power song is devoid of ego. A neutral energy desiring to manifest through our breath, power song simultaneously nourishes our soul, ignites passion, and grounds us more and more deeply into the present moment. Our bodies feel more alive; our minds spark; our spirits soar ever higher in a plane of infinite possibilities.

Grounding and soaring, passion and serenity, present infinity– these seemingly opposites stretch the fabric of our be-ing and refine the texture of our spirits into a fabric supple enough to flex in opposition, and durable enough to withstand inevitable turbulence. Breathing deeply with conscious intention, each sacred breath becomes a promise to honor the power song we hear in our deepest hearts–the song emanating from the source every single day, every single moment of our lives. Power song beats, pulses, drives and assures us of our purpose. Our power song is the answer to the question we continue to ask ourselves. Power song is chanting gently waiting for us to listen, and when we do, we will find the wisdom, the purpose, and the certain power of peace for which we have been longing.

It takes courage to listen, but the more we listen, the more courageous we become. The more we seek the song, the easier it is to hear, the easier it becomes to trust its wisdom and guidance. Over time power song becomes so integrated into our be-ing that our spirit resonates and pulses with the vibration of power song. Light and love pours through our actions to nourish all that we come in contact with, and, like a tuning fork, our power song assists others in finding their power song waiting to be heard.

Imagine a world where each person was living their power song. Imagine the harmonies. Imagine the peace. Image the magnificent creations that would unfold with each breath. Listen, beloved, listen to the song that is swelling beneath the surface, offering your heart's desire. Be courageous, beloved, dive deep so you may soar.

Falling Deeper

Love is more than a tender emotion. When surrendered to  fully, its essence has the capacity to transform. It is true that the word tends to roll across our tongues and through our lips in soft moments when the colors of life are vibrant and the present moment feels blissful. These moments are precious, but also easy. While love can be delightful, that is only one facet of this unbounded energy.

Love is formidable, and that power is available to us when our hearts remain open and vulnerable. When we close our hearts, we protect that tender place where discovery and intimacy bloom. There is an impetus, I think, to repel others when we feel threatened because tender places are usually fragile; we think that if we keep our hearts open when a friend  or lover attacks, or when we feel hurt or frightened we will end up wounded. However true this may feel, the truth is that love is the most potent, resilient energy in the world. 

By working towards keeping our hearts open in those moments when we are feeling tenuous, love is able to slip in and show us how to be courageous, humble , and compassionate. Allowing this magnificent energy to reign, allows for empowering and transformative solutions to difficult situations.

The challenge is to hold on to love in moments that feel like broken glass, where the colors are dulling and our ego is threatened. To keep one's heart open, to feel the stabbing shards, the shame or guilt, and not shy away or retaliate with violent words or actions, may be one of the most difficult choices we make. But, if we can breathe through the resistance, and do it anyway, countless blessings await to flourish in our relational gardens.

Dream, breathe, go to the cliff of breaking, and allow your heart to dilate. Like giving birth to a precious child, our decision to remain open may be terrifying, but by allowing this process to unfold gradually, patiently, we experience the miracle of falling more deeply, more daringly, more fully in love with our selves and the world around us. 

"May we not succumb to thoughts of violence and revenge today, but rather to thoughts of mercy and compassion. We are to love our enemies that they might be returned to their right minds." ~Marianne Williamson

"A flower cannot blossom without sunshine, and man cannot live without love." ~Max Muller 

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~Lao Tzu

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." ~Mother Teresa

Riding the Dynamic Song of My Heart

 Art by Thomas Bower: qthomasbower 

Today, I feel like writing. I don't always. Sometimes I feel like painting... and do so, a bit at a time, day after day. Sometimes I feel like gardening... and I dig, and plant, and weed, and sow. Sometimes I feel like cooking... and I try new recipes, and make homemade this and that, and make desserts to my family's pleasure! Sometimes I feel like doing nothing... which is difficult to actualize.  My point is that I am somewhat erratic. 


I watch and admire people who are more even-keeled. You know who I'm talking about (maybe you are one of them)–the people who are slow and steady, consistent and steadfast in their endeavors. Day after day, they build upon a common life theme. Maybe they are poets, or painters, or healers, or professors–it doesn't matter what they do, it is the fact that they do it consistently, day after day, heading into the same wind. I, on the other hand, tack into the winds of my desire. And those desires are vast and various–some completely unrelated. I am somewhat a "jack of all trades, master of none."


It's not just the way I express myself creatively either. It is the way of my being. My thoughts about situations can change suddenly. Sometimes I am hesitant to give my opinion because I know I may feel differently in an hour. Sometimes I like to socialize a lot: I will arrange play dates, visit with friends, host potlucks, go to fairs and community events. Sometimes I like to hide away with my family and go to sleep early, and talk to no one for weeks. I know for my friends it must be confusing. Sometimes I stay on top of housework, and sometimes I just... let... it... gooooooo!!!


I like to try new things, and experience new challenges, and meet different people, and learn new techniques. I get bored by the "same old same old." I am an explorer, an adventurer. 


There is a benefit to this modge-podge style I exude. Sometimes I am able to synthesize methods or ideas, and see situations or problems in novel ways.


I realize to some it may sound like I am non-commital, but that is not true. When I am engulfed in something I am fully present and committed. However, when the creative well runs dry, or I begin to get annoyed, or am "tapped-out" in some way, I simply let go and find something else that fills me up. Is that a bad thing? Perhaps I am not tenacious enough? Perhaps I should be more disciplined? I don't know.


What I do know is that if something is sucking the life out of me, I let it go; I give into the flow; I find the path of least resistance that brings me to joy.  Up to this point, I have not been able to reconcile clinging to one "thing" consistently. Instead I dabble here and there: paint for a while, read for a while, clean for a while, write for a while. 


The drafts of my life are dynamic... which is sometimes refreshing, sometimes exhausting, and always uncertain. If my life had a sound track it would be full of jazz riffs. 


I guess this diversification of skill sets means it will take me longer to master any one thing (or several of them), but that's ok, right? I can ride on the dynamic song of my heart and see where it leads... today it led to writing, so I did. Tomorrow, who knows? 


Any thoughts or suggestions? Please share! 


"Rhythm is the basis of life, not steady forward progress. The forces of creation, destruction, and preservation have a whirling, dynamic interaction." ~ from the Kabbalah


"Growth is an erratic forward movement: two steps forward, one step back. Remember that and be very gentle with yourself." ~Julia Cameron


"A jazz beat is a dynamic changing rhythm." ~Ken Burns

"Vow to be valiant;

Resolve to be radiant;

Determine to be dynamic;

Strive to be sincere;

Aspire to be attuned."  ~William Arthur Ward

Time to Grow Back

Photo by Nicholas Posante of Finger Picking Farms

A hail storm blew through last week. A couple of days later I saw pictures of the storm damage inflicted on a local farm: kohlrabi stems broken, cabbage starts shredded, lettuces demolished. 


Someone asked the farmer if there was anything they could do, and his reply was, "Thanks, but they just need time to grow back." I know the feeling.


The past month has felt like an emotional hail storm. It began with relatives visiting and peppering me with slights and criticisms. Then my children were on spring break and I didn't feel like I was making their break memorable. To top it off, I had a paper to complete in order to graduate that I had been putting off for a year, and a very sick baby that wanted to nurse constantly and clung to me like a monkey. As a result of my mounting stress levels, there was relational collateral damage, and a dermatitis flare up that has stubbornly gotten worse. 


I am tempted to say that I deal with stress poorly, but looking at the situation objectively I am choosing to give myself the benefit of the doubt. In fact, I think I deal with stress exceptionally well; it's just that sometimes I hold myself and others to such high standards that no one gets a break. 


I am a mom of five children. I cook healthy meals daily, keep track of extracurricular activities, chauffeur them to practices and their friends' houses. I nurse a 17 month old, often throughout the night, and before this past year I was a full time graduate student, teaching two college classes each semester. During my teaching/student time I was pregnant, gave birth, and continued teaching with a brief break during the winter holidays. I know how to deal with stress, but I struggle with knowing exactly how much I can handle. The truth is, I often take on far more than I can manage, and I don't know how (or am not humble enough) to ask for help (or take it when it is offered).  


Writing this last academic paper was like crawling over the finish line of a marathon with a baby attached to my breast... literally. I was so exhausted, stressed out, and anxious every cell in my body was vibrating with adrenaline. 


Before this last month, I had been feeling pretty high on life. I felt like I was balancing my mothering responsibilities with my artistic passions, and my spiritual and physical needs fairly well... and then the emotional hail storm pummeled my ass. 


I thought that when I turned in this last paper I would feel free and be able to go back to the rhythm I had before the epinephrine started pumping like a bass drum through my veins, but that was not the case. For the past week and a half I have been reeling in an adrenaline hangover. My hands and arms have been itching and I have been more tired than usual. All I want to do is lie around, but with five children, one of which is a demanding toddler, that desire is unrealistic. However, that does not mean I can not give myself the opportunity to heal. 


Like the greens on the farm that had been shredded by hail, I need time to grow back... and I am... little by little, day by day, I feel the gentle pulsing rhythm of my days returning. I went to yoga last week. I took some time to paint, but I don't feel quite ready to go there right now. I am beginning to write for enjoyment and release again. I am beginning to play with my children again. I think I will go for a walk in the woods soon and listen to the wisdom of the trees. 


It just takes time... and patience and gentleness. I love myself enough to be patient and compassionate with this renewal process. I will soak in the sunshine of joy, and allow the gentle rain of my own compassion to nourish the cells of my consciousness. I will create boundaries to protect the fragile new starts generating within. I will give myself time to heal. I am growing back.


Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson 


Life is growth. If we stop growing, technically and spiritually, we are as good as dead. ~Morihei Ueshiba 


'Healing,' Papa would tell me, 'is not a science, but the intuitive art of wooing nature.' ~W. H. Auden


Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it. ~Tori Amos

Journey Like A Sound Wave

Last weekend, I climbed 20 ft up  a rope ladder in the middle of a man's living room. Seriously, I did! This was quite a feat for me, as I have a fear of heights. I had the opportunity to watch each of my children attempt the climb before I did, and watching them I was able to give them all sorts of advice. As I began my ascent I was reminded to take my own advice... and I did.


The trick was that I kept my eyes on my destination and I didn't look back (or down rather). In my mind I was simply climbing up. I did not give myself the opportunity to think I was moving further away from the earth. Rung by rung I saw the platform at the top growing closer. Climbing over the edge I  began to feel fear trying to steal my concentration, but I kept on, and pulled myself over. I was so proud of myself! And I learned a practical lesson: not to hesitate. 

My son and I at the top.

In a microsecond of hesitation doubt and fear can sneak in and sabotage a journey. Moving consistently forward, without looking back in doubt, allows windows of new discoveries to open. It allows life to sparkle a bit brighter, and allows one to feel more alive. 


I awoke this morning to the chimes on my porch and thought: sound waves are so lovely; we are meant to be like that. Journeying forward from their source, sonorous waves blossom, blessing the world with their resonance. They do not look back, nor hesitate in any way. They gracefully follow the path they create in each moment.  


"Grace is the absence of everything that indicates pain or difficulty, hesitation or incongruity." William Hazlitt


"Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted, who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood. This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering its a feather bed." ~Terence McKenna

Your Attention Propels You

The ability to harness my attention is one of my most valuable tools. Thoughts flow consciously and unconsciously throughout my mind daily, but where I choose to linger and focus determines the quality of my life, as well as the overall direction I will follow.

The yogic concept of maintaining a drishti, or gazing point,  I find especially interesting because it emphasizes the value of our attention. Each pose in yoga has a specific drishti which aids one in maintaining alignment, balance, and concentration, as well as functioning as a directional goal.Yoga instructors emphasize the importance of the softened focus of the drishti as aiding one in moving deeper into a pose saying, "where your eyes go, your body will follow." The same is true with our thoughts and actions: the thoughts and actions that get our attention propel us in a certain direction. For example, if our attention is focused on exercising and eating healthy, then our bodies get fit; if we give our attention to thoughts of gratitude, we become joyful, optimistic people. 

Like strengthening any new muscle or practice, it takes consciousness and effort to develop attention. Without developing this ability, unconscious thoughts and actions can snag us, sabotaging our success in the world and our lives. By success I do not simply mean wealth or prestige, but also (and more importantly) states of mind like optimism, confidence, and pleasure. 

Harnessing my attention, I can consciously direct my mind and actions towards thoughts that empower my life and propel me forward towards my goals. That does not mean that I never feel sad, angry, or resentful. Nor does it mean that I never eat candy, or yell at the car in front of me while I am driving. What it does mean is that I can feel whatever feelings I am feeling, and allow them to move through my experience. Instead of remaining stuck there for days, weeks, or months, I can re-direct my thoughts or actions, and choose to turn my attention towards gratitudes, blessings, positive affirmations, healthy foods, and compassion. 

I, in no way mean to trivialize the difficulty of turning away from certain thoughts and actions. I completely understand that some thoughts and actions have monopolized our attention for significant portions of our lives, and re-directing our attention away from these patterns can be literally painful. 

In order to move my attention towards more beneficial thoughts, I must first become aware of those internal weeds rooted in my experience. I take in a deep breath as I muster the courage to look within. What I see may not be pretty. What is most important is that we are honest with ourselves. If we find a negative habit or thought pattern we are especially resistant to releasing, even though we know it is not facilitating our highest and best selves, we may need to explore further.

When exploring these resistant patterns it may be helpful to ask why you are resistant to releasing these thoughts or actions. What is the "payoff?" Do these thought patterns feed self-pity? Does over-indulging in food or alcohol allow you to avoid feelings of guilt or anxiety? Do you get to be the victim? Do other people feel sorry for you? Do you get to avoid making decisions? Do not allow shame to prevent you from answering these questions honestly. 

There is no need to feel shame. We are all human, and have all indulged in thoughts and actions that have not served us. And if we are honest, we have all done so for reasons that may be less than noble. By moving through the truth, we can choose to give our attention to more useful thoughts and actions. Consider for a moment the consequences of moving one's attention away from the action of eating greasy, fast foods every day to the action of eating fresh, whole fruits and vegetables: HEALTH! Now consider the implications of moving away from thoughts of a brutal and cruel world, to an infinitely loving and powerful universe that longs to answer our every prayer... our consciousness shifts; veils drop; we develop a softer, more gentler orientation to the world and its inhabitants: LOVE BLOOMS!  

When the desire to be free and empowered becomes stronger than the desire to protect our pride, then we will do whatever it takes, including getting honest with ourselves, to tear down the veils that prevent us from our highest and best selves. By assessing where our attention is being spent, we can gain the ability to re-direct the course of our thoughts and our lives, sailing into the wonders of a beautiful and abundant new day. 

"When I fully enter time's swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention, I slow the torrent with the weight of me all here." ~Ann Voskamp from One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

"Temperamentally anxious people can have a hard time staying motivated, period, because their intense focus on their worries distracts them from their goals." ~Winifred Gallagher from Rapt: Attention and the Focused Life

"To pay attention, this is our endless and proper work." ~Mary Oliver

Acting As If, I Shed My Skin

Growth is like a spiral:  I find discomfort, I search for a solution, I inevitably find myself releasing thinking/action patterns that no longer serve, I find new life and freedom, and eventually find myself in discomfort again. Like a snake moving through the seasons, there is a time for growth, and a time for shedding.  


Today I felt like crying and I was not sure why. I was target practice for my own negative thoughts. Upon reflection I realized an unresolved resentment had sprung up this weekend towards someone whom I have consistently felt dislike towards. I began comparing myself to this person, measuring their outsides to my insides. If you have ever gone through this dance, you know it does not end well. Needless to say, by the end of the day I was feeling horrible about myself.


And then I went to yoga.


As I walked into the studio today I looked forward to turn my attention to my body and away from my thoughts. At the beginning of class the instructor sat in the front of the room and announced that we would be doing inversions. 


My heart dropped. I nearly began to cry. I am not a fan of upside down poses. To me, inversions remind me of my own physical imperfections... something about the way gravity and my figure interact makes me cringe. 


After announcing the focus of this evenings class, she reminded us that we could offer up a prayer or dedicate our practice to someone. I knew what I needed to pray about: finding self-love. 


I gave myself to the practice this evening. Trusting the universe's guidance I stayed in the inversion class this evening, despite my apprehensions. Heeding the suggestion to offer a prayer up before the practice, I prayed to find self-love. Through acting as if a solution was going to appear I found the message I needed. 

This is what the position looks like. It is a half handstand. 

This position gave me a new perspective physically, and through that I could see that I could find a new perspective mentally. I saw that although it may be awkward to forgive and love someone whose presence in my mind has tormented my thoughts, I could do it. Not only could I do it, but it could be enjoyable and even strengthening and invigorating, just like this pose. 


 Like so many lessons in my life, this one came through taking action. Though thinking is definitely part of the process,  more often than not genuine transformation comes from taking action. The actions I need to take are not always obvious or comfortable; often they require following through on difficult tasks or awkward moments. I did not need to say anything to the person I had a resentment towards, nor did I just tell myself I loved myself. I did find love for myself tonight by doing something outside of my comfort zone though, and through action I received the message I needed. 

By choosing to do something differently, taking a chance, making ourselves vulnerable by trying something new, we act as if a solution will come to us, and by doing so, it will because we are putting our faith in a power greater than ourselves. Sometimes we are tempted to try and think our way out of our problems: we read positive literature, say affirmations, say we know we should think differently, etc. While these are wonderful tools, they are not what makes changes in our lives, or our thinking. Actions make changes. 

By allowing ourselves to embrace new experiences, and risk new challenges we are able to release old habits and beliefs that no longer serves us. We are able to shed the skin that no longer fits and replace it with a fresh new way of being, until the season changes again and we find ourselves cycling through another spiral of growth. 


"Snake took the old human into his care. And through the weeks ahead, taught him to sleep like a snake and peel his skin off. From then on when the man felt his time coming to an end, he would just go to sleep and peel his skin off. And he was happy and no longer afraid." ~Kay Cordelia Whitaker from The Reluctant Shaman


"...of course loss is the great lesson. But I also say this: that light is an invitation to happiness, and that happiness, when it's done right, is a kind of holiness, palpable and redemptive." ~Mary Oliver "Poppies"


"The snake that cannot shed its skin perishes. Likewise those spirits who are prevented from changing their opinions; they cease to be spirits." ~Friedrich Nietzsche