Time to Grow Back

Photo by Nicholas Posante of Finger Picking Farms

A hail storm blew through last week. A couple of days later I saw pictures of the storm damage inflicted on a local farm: kohlrabi stems broken, cabbage starts shredded, lettuces demolished. 


Someone asked the farmer if there was anything they could do, and his reply was, "Thanks, but they just need time to grow back." I know the feeling.


The past month has felt like an emotional hail storm. It began with relatives visiting and peppering me with slights and criticisms. Then my children were on spring break and I didn't feel like I was making their break memorable. To top it off, I had a paper to complete in order to graduate that I had been putting off for a year, and a very sick baby that wanted to nurse constantly and clung to me like a monkey. As a result of my mounting stress levels, there was relational collateral damage, and a dermatitis flare up that has stubbornly gotten worse. 


I am tempted to say that I deal with stress poorly, but looking at the situation objectively I am choosing to give myself the benefit of the doubt. In fact, I think I deal with stress exceptionally well; it's just that sometimes I hold myself and others to such high standards that no one gets a break. 


I am a mom of five children. I cook healthy meals daily, keep track of extracurricular activities, chauffeur them to practices and their friends' houses. I nurse a 17 month old, often throughout the night, and before this past year I was a full time graduate student, teaching two college classes each semester. During my teaching/student time I was pregnant, gave birth, and continued teaching with a brief break during the winter holidays. I know how to deal with stress, but I struggle with knowing exactly how much I can handle. The truth is, I often take on far more than I can manage, and I don't know how (or am not humble enough) to ask for help (or take it when it is offered).  


Writing this last academic paper was like crawling over the finish line of a marathon with a baby attached to my breast... literally. I was so exhausted, stressed out, and anxious every cell in my body was vibrating with adrenaline. 


Before this last month, I had been feeling pretty high on life. I felt like I was balancing my mothering responsibilities with my artistic passions, and my spiritual and physical needs fairly well... and then the emotional hail storm pummeled my ass. 


I thought that when I turned in this last paper I would feel free and be able to go back to the rhythm I had before the epinephrine started pumping like a bass drum through my veins, but that was not the case. For the past week and a half I have been reeling in an adrenaline hangover. My hands and arms have been itching and I have been more tired than usual. All I want to do is lie around, but with five children, one of which is a demanding toddler, that desire is unrealistic. However, that does not mean I can not give myself the opportunity to heal. 


Like the greens on the farm that had been shredded by hail, I need time to grow back... and I am... little by little, day by day, I feel the gentle pulsing rhythm of my days returning. I went to yoga last week. I took some time to paint, but I don't feel quite ready to go there right now. I am beginning to write for enjoyment and release again. I am beginning to play with my children again. I think I will go for a walk in the woods soon and listen to the wisdom of the trees. 


It just takes time... and patience and gentleness. I love myself enough to be patient and compassionate with this renewal process. I will soak in the sunshine of joy, and allow the gentle rain of my own compassion to nourish the cells of my consciousness. I will create boundaries to protect the fragile new starts generating within. I will give myself time to heal. I am growing back.


Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson 


Life is growth. If we stop growing, technically and spiritually, we are as good as dead. ~Morihei Ueshiba 


'Healing,' Papa would tell me, 'is not a science, but the intuitive art of wooing nature.' ~W. H. Auden


Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it. ~Tori Amos

Journey Like A Sound Wave

Last weekend, I climbed 20 ft up  a rope ladder in the middle of a man's living room. Seriously, I did! This was quite a feat for me, as I have a fear of heights. I had the opportunity to watch each of my children attempt the climb before I did, and watching them I was able to give them all sorts of advice. As I began my ascent I was reminded to take my own advice... and I did.


The trick was that I kept my eyes on my destination and I didn't look back (or down rather). In my mind I was simply climbing up. I did not give myself the opportunity to think I was moving further away from the earth. Rung by rung I saw the platform at the top growing closer. Climbing over the edge I  began to feel fear trying to steal my concentration, but I kept on, and pulled myself over. I was so proud of myself! And I learned a practical lesson: not to hesitate. 

My son and I at the top.

In a microsecond of hesitation doubt and fear can sneak in and sabotage a journey. Moving consistently forward, without looking back in doubt, allows windows of new discoveries to open. It allows life to sparkle a bit brighter, and allows one to feel more alive. 


I awoke this morning to the chimes on my porch and thought: sound waves are so lovely; we are meant to be like that. Journeying forward from their source, sonorous waves blossom, blessing the world with their resonance. They do not look back, nor hesitate in any way. They gracefully follow the path they create in each moment.  


"Grace is the absence of everything that indicates pain or difficulty, hesitation or incongruity." William Hazlitt


"Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted, who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood. This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering its a feather bed." ~Terence McKenna

Your Attention Propels You

The ability to harness my attention is one of my most valuable tools. Thoughts flow consciously and unconsciously throughout my mind daily, but where I choose to linger and focus determines the quality of my life, as well as the overall direction I will follow.

The yogic concept of maintaining a drishti, or gazing point,  I find especially interesting because it emphasizes the value of our attention. Each pose in yoga has a specific drishti which aids one in maintaining alignment, balance, and concentration, as well as functioning as a directional goal.Yoga instructors emphasize the importance of the softened focus of the drishti as aiding one in moving deeper into a pose saying, "where your eyes go, your body will follow." The same is true with our thoughts and actions: the thoughts and actions that get our attention propel us in a certain direction. For example, if our attention is focused on exercising and eating healthy, then our bodies get fit; if we give our attention to thoughts of gratitude, we become joyful, optimistic people. 

Like strengthening any new muscle or practice, it takes consciousness and effort to develop attention. Without developing this ability, unconscious thoughts and actions can snag us, sabotaging our success in the world and our lives. By success I do not simply mean wealth or prestige, but also (and more importantly) states of mind like optimism, confidence, and pleasure. 

Harnessing my attention, I can consciously direct my mind and actions towards thoughts that empower my life and propel me forward towards my goals. That does not mean that I never feel sad, angry, or resentful. Nor does it mean that I never eat candy, or yell at the car in front of me while I am driving. What it does mean is that I can feel whatever feelings I am feeling, and allow them to move through my experience. Instead of remaining stuck there for days, weeks, or months, I can re-direct my thoughts or actions, and choose to turn my attention towards gratitudes, blessings, positive affirmations, healthy foods, and compassion. 

I, in no way mean to trivialize the difficulty of turning away from certain thoughts and actions. I completely understand that some thoughts and actions have monopolized our attention for significant portions of our lives, and re-directing our attention away from these patterns can be literally painful. 

In order to move my attention towards more beneficial thoughts, I must first become aware of those internal weeds rooted in my experience. I take in a deep breath as I muster the courage to look within. What I see may not be pretty. What is most important is that we are honest with ourselves. If we find a negative habit or thought pattern we are especially resistant to releasing, even though we know it is not facilitating our highest and best selves, we may need to explore further.

When exploring these resistant patterns it may be helpful to ask why you are resistant to releasing these thoughts or actions. What is the "payoff?" Do these thought patterns feed self-pity? Does over-indulging in food or alcohol allow you to avoid feelings of guilt or anxiety? Do you get to be the victim? Do other people feel sorry for you? Do you get to avoid making decisions? Do not allow shame to prevent you from answering these questions honestly. 

There is no need to feel shame. We are all human, and have all indulged in thoughts and actions that have not served us. And if we are honest, we have all done so for reasons that may be less than noble. By moving through the truth, we can choose to give our attention to more useful thoughts and actions. Consider for a moment the consequences of moving one's attention away from the action of eating greasy, fast foods every day to the action of eating fresh, whole fruits and vegetables: HEALTH! Now consider the implications of moving away from thoughts of a brutal and cruel world, to an infinitely loving and powerful universe that longs to answer our every prayer... our consciousness shifts; veils drop; we develop a softer, more gentler orientation to the world and its inhabitants: LOVE BLOOMS!  

When the desire to be free and empowered becomes stronger than the desire to protect our pride, then we will do whatever it takes, including getting honest with ourselves, to tear down the veils that prevent us from our highest and best selves. By assessing where our attention is being spent, we can gain the ability to re-direct the course of our thoughts and our lives, sailing into the wonders of a beautiful and abundant new day. 

"When I fully enter time's swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention, I slow the torrent with the weight of me all here." ~Ann Voskamp from One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

"Temperamentally anxious people can have a hard time staying motivated, period, because their intense focus on their worries distracts them from their goals." ~Winifred Gallagher from Rapt: Attention and the Focused Life

"To pay attention, this is our endless and proper work." ~Mary Oliver

Acting As If, I Shed My Skin

Growth is like a spiral:  I find discomfort, I search for a solution, I inevitably find myself releasing thinking/action patterns that no longer serve, I find new life and freedom, and eventually find myself in discomfort again. Like a snake moving through the seasons, there is a time for growth, and a time for shedding.  


Today I felt like crying and I was not sure why. I was target practice for my own negative thoughts. Upon reflection I realized an unresolved resentment had sprung up this weekend towards someone whom I have consistently felt dislike towards. I began comparing myself to this person, measuring their outsides to my insides. If you have ever gone through this dance, you know it does not end well. Needless to say, by the end of the day I was feeling horrible about myself.


And then I went to yoga.


As I walked into the studio today I looked forward to turn my attention to my body and away from my thoughts. At the beginning of class the instructor sat in the front of the room and announced that we would be doing inversions. 


My heart dropped. I nearly began to cry. I am not a fan of upside down poses. To me, inversions remind me of my own physical imperfections... something about the way gravity and my figure interact makes me cringe. 


After announcing the focus of this evenings class, she reminded us that we could offer up a prayer or dedicate our practice to someone. I knew what I needed to pray about: finding self-love. 


I gave myself to the practice this evening. Trusting the universe's guidance I stayed in the inversion class this evening, despite my apprehensions. Heeding the suggestion to offer a prayer up before the practice, I prayed to find self-love. Through acting as if a solution was going to appear I found the message I needed. 

This is what the position looks like. It is a half handstand. 

This position gave me a new perspective physically, and through that I could see that I could find a new perspective mentally. I saw that although it may be awkward to forgive and love someone whose presence in my mind has tormented my thoughts, I could do it. Not only could I do it, but it could be enjoyable and even strengthening and invigorating, just like this pose. 


 Like so many lessons in my life, this one came through taking action. Though thinking is definitely part of the process,  more often than not genuine transformation comes from taking action. The actions I need to take are not always obvious or comfortable; often they require following through on difficult tasks or awkward moments. I did not need to say anything to the person I had a resentment towards, nor did I just tell myself I loved myself. I did find love for myself tonight by doing something outside of my comfort zone though, and through action I received the message I needed. 

By choosing to do something differently, taking a chance, making ourselves vulnerable by trying something new, we act as if a solution will come to us, and by doing so, it will because we are putting our faith in a power greater than ourselves. Sometimes we are tempted to try and think our way out of our problems: we read positive literature, say affirmations, say we know we should think differently, etc. While these are wonderful tools, they are not what makes changes in our lives, or our thinking. Actions make changes. 

By allowing ourselves to embrace new experiences, and risk new challenges we are able to release old habits and beliefs that no longer serves us. We are able to shed the skin that no longer fits and replace it with a fresh new way of being, until the season changes again and we find ourselves cycling through another spiral of growth. 


"Snake took the old human into his care. And through the weeks ahead, taught him to sleep like a snake and peel his skin off. From then on when the man felt his time coming to an end, he would just go to sleep and peel his skin off. And he was happy and no longer afraid." ~Kay Cordelia Whitaker from The Reluctant Shaman


"...of course loss is the great lesson. But I also say this: that light is an invitation to happiness, and that happiness, when it's done right, is a kind of holiness, palpable and redemptive." ~Mary Oliver "Poppies"


"The snake that cannot shed its skin perishes. Likewise those spirits who are prevented from changing their opinions; they cease to be spirits." ~Friedrich Nietzsche

Turn the Key and Keep Driving Towards Your Dreams

I live in an urban neighborhood where cars line the streets, and people vie for parking spots in front of their homes. The other day while driving home from the grocery store with one of my daughters I pointed to our house from a block away. I asked her if it looked like there were any parking places in front of our house. She said no. I told her to keep watching. 


We approached our house and pulled into a more than ample parking spot. I asked her if she noticed anything and she replied, "Yes! When we were far away it looked like all the parking spots were taken. As we got closer it looked like there was a really small spot. And then  as we pulled up to the house I saw that there was enough room for at least two cars." I smiled and explained how perspective changes with proximity. 


For a long, long time I have not bothered to dream because, as I have recently discovered, I had a subconscious belief that dreams are not actually attainable, and venturing to dream sets me up for disappointment. I have illogically believed that success was something that happened to people by luck, not something that was achieved through diligence and tenacity.


Some of the main reasons this has been believable to me for a vast majority of my life have to do with perspective. Since I rarely allowed myself uninhibited dream play, I had nothing to gather information about. I told myself I was allowing the universe to guide me. What was really going on was that while I had gotten into the car, I was not turning the ignition key. Since I was not going anywhere, my perspective was limited. 


Not allowing one's self to dream is like getting into a car without turning the key. Without starting the car you will never arrive anywhere new. Every once in a while I would venture to dream, but I saw the goal from such a great distance that I was sure there was no way that I could fit into that dream spot (I told myself I didn't have the education, brains, creativity, talent, organizations skills, blah, blah, blah...)–In twelve step programs this type of thinking is called contempt prior to investigation. 


On the other hand, allowing one's self the freedom to dream is like turning the key and watching as a desire to reach a destination ignites. Departing, you have a purpose in mind. As you move towards your dream and catch a glimpse of your destination, anxiety may arise because it may look as if there are few or no spots available for you–remember this is a limited perspective and KEEP GOING! As you get closer to your goal/dream more spaces for your talents will inevitably open. Just as cars continuously pull in and out of parking spots, venues, job opportunities, workshops, and exhibit spaces continuously become available. 


While dreams are internal guides from the universe, they are not meant to be set in stone. Sometimes as you approach your "ideal" parking spot you may realize that space is not as perfect as you had once thought–perhaps there is a broken bottle there, or bees swarming over a spilled soda. Similarly, as you begin to approach the realization of your dream you may sense that something slightly different or better is calling. Heed that inspiration. While dreams are a compass for your heart's desire, they are not necessarily meant to be rigid assigned parking spots.  


Marvelous adventures are awaiting us! 


Turn the ignition key and begin dreaming with wild abandonment! 


Start driving towards your dreams and watch as your perspective shifts. 


If you sense discouragement setting in, remember that as you inch closer to your destination more will be revealed. 


Keep chugging on and have faith.


I have begun driving towards my dreams. I hope to see you on that road too. If I do, I will be sure to honk and wave! XO


"To the person who does not know where he wants to go there is no favorable wind." ~Seneca


"A philosophy of life: I'm an adventurer, looking for treasure."  ~Paulo Coelho from The Alchemist


"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours" ~Henry David Thoreau

Living in Eternity

Usually when I paint I get inspired then work on the painting all night into the early hours of the morning until I can no longer "see" anything else in the painting, and determine the painting is finished. To be honest, I am usually pretty unsatisfied with these pieces of art; they have potential, but feel not quite "there."


One of my favorite things about life is the ability of experiences to inform each other. For example, I find it amazing how learning to hold a yoga pose can also develop the patience and endurance required to teach my toddler to say "please" and "thank you."  A few months ago I had an epiphany while making art.


It began with a colored pencil sketch of a Native American profile. The image flowed fairly easily and I was pleased with it, but I felt an internal push to continue working on it. I left the picture on the floor and occasionally propped against a chair leg for a week or so, glancing at it every once in a while out of the corner of my eye. Gradually, I began to "see" the next step the piece was "asking" for. 

I began to wait for the images to appear and meet them as they approached. Slowly, I began to see what was to come next, and I began to follow what was being revealed: I had a dream and incorporated an image from that dream; in a certain place I recognized a longing for a movement of energy, and  so I placed some images in this place of yearning. Slowly, the painting began to come alive; it was guiding me and I was dancing with it, listening to its direction with a "third eye" type of sense.


I have heard that the only place that eternity meets time is in the present. When I exist in the moment and listen to the guidance available in the present I realize the next right step. As I take that step in faith, I am rewarded with surprises, gratification, and delight. 


Eventually I was guided to cut out the colored pencil sketch, apply it to a canvas and begin using paints. After several months of working on this piece, more is still being revealed and I am enjoying the process–no hurry. Another realization I had was that if I forced solutions by hurrying to complete the piece it would only result in a scant realization of the piece's "voice" or "soul." 


Though this epiphany came while making a piece of art, I am realizing more and more that the process of creating my life is very similar. I throw some ideas around, get inspired, begin to do the footwork in order to manifest it (make phone calls, do research, take action), and ruminate on it for a while until the next step is revealed. The miraculous part is that the universe works with me through synchronicities, and the same "third eye" type of sense, guiding me with a gentle, yet firm, knowing hand. 


I realize I am still learning about this process. I have a hunch, that similar to developing any new skill,  the more I recognize and use this process in my entire life, the more quickly I will become aware of the next step. Life is a piece of art, and as we begin to listen to and follow the gentle guidance available in the moment, we begin to recognize eternity in each breath, until we suddenly find ourselves living there. 


"The art of life is to live in the present moment, and to make that moment as perfect as we can by the realization that we are the instruments and expression of God Himself." ~Emmet Fox


"He who binds himself a joy/ Does the winged life destroy./ But he who kisses the joy as it flies/ Lives in eternity's sun rise."  ~William Blake from "Eternity"


"God exists in eternity. The only point where eternity meets time is in the present. The present is the only time there is." ~Marianne Williamson


"Quick, then–open the door and fly on your heavy feet; the song may already be drifting away." ~Mary Oliver from "Such Singing in the Wild Branches"

Releasing Our Voices: Sing Sisters!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/le_korrigan/5016005298/

Dodoma Federation: The Sejeseje group of the Tanzania Federation of the Urban Poor, composed of mostly poor women living in slums, celebrate the purchase of six acres of land in Dodoma, using their own savings, before they start building their houses. Dancing, singing and drum music are always part of such celebrations.

For too long the literal and figurative voices of women have been silenced, and now many of us find ourselves wrestling our tongues free day by day. The voices I speak of are not just sounds rising from our throats, but actions driven from our core, ideas inspired by our spirit. The embodied feminine principle has its own  rhythm, sound, texture– a unique quality often stereotyped as meek, when in fact, receptivity, passion, intuition, innovation, and intensity tend to be the characteristics of the empowered feminine. The world is aching for the voices of women; it is time to claim our voices and heal the planet with our song.

Sometimes the silencer is men, sometimes other women, but more often than not, the silencer is our own selves. Many of us women were raised by women who were just learning that they had voices, but had not yet learned to use or value them. Perhaps we were never told explicitly that women need to hold their tongues, not be so radical, not be confrontational, but the implicit instructions were to be subservient, silent, and passive. To a greater or lesser degree we have internalized these teachings demonstrated by our well-meaning mentors and now find ourselves struggling against our own internal advisor. 

Collectively, we are beginning to truly re-define womanhood, find our voices and use them. The process, however, is volatile, precarious, and somewhat intimidating, both to ourselves and others. As I have watched this process in myself and other women I have noticed that there tends to be a rhythm to the awakening voice. 

First, we stutter. The stuttering may or may not be our literal voices. Often it manifests as an offered idea couched in apprehension and self-deprecation:"This probably sounds crazy..." "It would probably never work, but..." Sometimes this manifests as a women not being able to construct a sentence. If we were able to look inside her head though, we would see magnificent ideas and dreams clouded by an internal advisor's voice whispering, "Don't sound too smart," "That makes no sense," "Don't sound too confident." Figuratively, a woman stuttering looks like projects begun, but not completed, or dreams un-manifested: the stones are arranged in a circle, the kindling is propped for burning, but the fire never comes and the dreamer begins to freeze to death in the absence of her untended passion.

Perhaps the fear of dying scares us, or the frustration of squelching our own ambitions finally gets the better of us. Whatever it is, we can stand it no more and we scream.  We scream at the internal advisor and the external oppressor. We scream to release it all. Eventually no amount of discouragement can keep our thoughts and ideas from erupting; and just like an awakening volcano, the scene can be volatile. Again, the screaming may be literal or something similar:  aggressive remarks, forceful insistence of our beliefs, relentless confrontations. The screaming may also look like radical actions: cutting off or dying our hair, taking dangerous risks, or over-indulgence in alcohol or some other escape.

When the dust settles from the explosion of repressed ideas, thoughts, and dreams, we begin to speak. Gently, we lie the internal advisor down to sleep; we put flowers on her grave; we thank her for her attempts to protect us and save us from a dangerous world. We then begin to reason things out with others who are finding their voices.We may write to hear our own words, or paint just to feel the medium under our brushes, we may dance to feel the pleasure of our bodies, or we may plan a new business. Slowly, we learn to listen and talk with confidence to ourselves and others. Vague ambitions begin to formulate and manifest gracefully and certainly; we begin to put one foot in front of the other to realize our dreams. The hysteria dies down, and the woman refreshed and released begins to allow the passion and direction of the universe to guide her gently, fluidly like a mountain stream.

And as we open ourselves to the universe, we find that our speaking voices begin to be inspired. Yes, it is our voice rising from our lips, but the sound erupts delicious, and attractive... we find ourselves singing! Our voices are our own, but fused with the divine. Our words resonate, sparkle, inspire; our actions bring joy, healing, and hope to a world in despair, pain, and dis-ease. A singing woman pierces through the cacophony of this world and reminds her daughters, her sons, her lovers and her sisters of the divine world from which we come. A singing woman heals the poisoned waters, nurtures the raped earth, protects the animals, and empowers the children with her sweet vibrations. She sings a new song into the hearts of her daughters. Her sons respect her. Her partners revere here. And as she sings she finds it echoes through her thoughts, words, and deeds. 


Sisters, release your voices and sing! Gradually, as each woman finds her voice the world will begin to harmonize, the planet will be made anew, and we will all realize heaven on earth. 


"Of course! the path to heaven doesn't lie down in flat miles. It's in the imagination with which you perceive this world, and the gestures with which you honor it." ~Mary Oliver (from the poem "The Swan")