Riding the Dynamic Song of My Heart

 Art by Thomas Bower: qthomasbower 

Today, I feel like writing. I don't always. Sometimes I feel like painting... and do so, a bit at a time, day after day. Sometimes I feel like gardening... and I dig, and plant, and weed, and sow. Sometimes I feel like cooking... and I try new recipes, and make homemade this and that, and make desserts to my family's pleasure! Sometimes I feel like doing nothing... which is difficult to actualize.  My point is that I am somewhat erratic. 


I watch and admire people who are more even-keeled. You know who I'm talking about (maybe you are one of them)–the people who are slow and steady, consistent and steadfast in their endeavors. Day after day, they build upon a common life theme. Maybe they are poets, or painters, or healers, or professors–it doesn't matter what they do, it is the fact that they do it consistently, day after day, heading into the same wind. I, on the other hand, tack into the winds of my desire. And those desires are vast and various–some completely unrelated. I am somewhat a "jack of all trades, master of none."


It's not just the way I express myself creatively either. It is the way of my being. My thoughts about situations can change suddenly. Sometimes I am hesitant to give my opinion because I know I may feel differently in an hour. Sometimes I like to socialize a lot: I will arrange play dates, visit with friends, host potlucks, go to fairs and community events. Sometimes I like to hide away with my family and go to sleep early, and talk to no one for weeks. I know for my friends it must be confusing. Sometimes I stay on top of housework, and sometimes I just... let... it... gooooooo!!!


I like to try new things, and experience new challenges, and meet different people, and learn new techniques. I get bored by the "same old same old." I am an explorer, an adventurer. 


There is a benefit to this modge-podge style I exude. Sometimes I am able to synthesize methods or ideas, and see situations or problems in novel ways.


I realize to some it may sound like I am non-commital, but that is not true. When I am engulfed in something I am fully present and committed. However, when the creative well runs dry, or I begin to get annoyed, or am "tapped-out" in some way, I simply let go and find something else that fills me up. Is that a bad thing? Perhaps I am not tenacious enough? Perhaps I should be more disciplined? I don't know.


What I do know is that if something is sucking the life out of me, I let it go; I give into the flow; I find the path of least resistance that brings me to joy.  Up to this point, I have not been able to reconcile clinging to one "thing" consistently. Instead I dabble here and there: paint for a while, read for a while, clean for a while, write for a while. 


The drafts of my life are dynamic... which is sometimes refreshing, sometimes exhausting, and always uncertain. If my life had a sound track it would be full of jazz riffs. 


I guess this diversification of skill sets means it will take me longer to master any one thing (or several of them), but that's ok, right? I can ride on the dynamic song of my heart and see where it leads... today it led to writing, so I did. Tomorrow, who knows? 


Any thoughts or suggestions? Please share! 


"Rhythm is the basis of life, not steady forward progress. The forces of creation, destruction, and preservation have a whirling, dynamic interaction." ~ from the Kabbalah


"Growth is an erratic forward movement: two steps forward, one step back. Remember that and be very gentle with yourself." ~Julia Cameron


"A jazz beat is a dynamic changing rhythm." ~Ken Burns

"Vow to be valiant;

Resolve to be radiant;

Determine to be dynamic;

Strive to be sincere;

Aspire to be attuned."  ~William Arthur Ward

Time to Grow Back

Photo by Nicholas Posante of Finger Picking Farms

A hail storm blew through last week. A couple of days later I saw pictures of the storm damage inflicted on a local farm: kohlrabi stems broken, cabbage starts shredded, lettuces demolished. 


Someone asked the farmer if there was anything they could do, and his reply was, "Thanks, but they just need time to grow back." I know the feeling.


The past month has felt like an emotional hail storm. It began with relatives visiting and peppering me with slights and criticisms. Then my children were on spring break and I didn't feel like I was making their break memorable. To top it off, I had a paper to complete in order to graduate that I had been putting off for a year, and a very sick baby that wanted to nurse constantly and clung to me like a monkey. As a result of my mounting stress levels, there was relational collateral damage, and a dermatitis flare up that has stubbornly gotten worse. 


I am tempted to say that I deal with stress poorly, but looking at the situation objectively I am choosing to give myself the benefit of the doubt. In fact, I think I deal with stress exceptionally well; it's just that sometimes I hold myself and others to such high standards that no one gets a break. 


I am a mom of five children. I cook healthy meals daily, keep track of extracurricular activities, chauffeur them to practices and their friends' houses. I nurse a 17 month old, often throughout the night, and before this past year I was a full time graduate student, teaching two college classes each semester. During my teaching/student time I was pregnant, gave birth, and continued teaching with a brief break during the winter holidays. I know how to deal with stress, but I struggle with knowing exactly how much I can handle. The truth is, I often take on far more than I can manage, and I don't know how (or am not humble enough) to ask for help (or take it when it is offered).  


Writing this last academic paper was like crawling over the finish line of a marathon with a baby attached to my breast... literally. I was so exhausted, stressed out, and anxious every cell in my body was vibrating with adrenaline. 


Before this last month, I had been feeling pretty high on life. I felt like I was balancing my mothering responsibilities with my artistic passions, and my spiritual and physical needs fairly well... and then the emotional hail storm pummeled my ass. 


I thought that when I turned in this last paper I would feel free and be able to go back to the rhythm I had before the epinephrine started pumping like a bass drum through my veins, but that was not the case. For the past week and a half I have been reeling in an adrenaline hangover. My hands and arms have been itching and I have been more tired than usual. All I want to do is lie around, but with five children, one of which is a demanding toddler, that desire is unrealistic. However, that does not mean I can not give myself the opportunity to heal. 


Like the greens on the farm that had been shredded by hail, I need time to grow back... and I am... little by little, day by day, I feel the gentle pulsing rhythm of my days returning. I went to yoga last week. I took some time to paint, but I don't feel quite ready to go there right now. I am beginning to write for enjoyment and release again. I am beginning to play with my children again. I think I will go for a walk in the woods soon and listen to the wisdom of the trees. 


It just takes time... and patience and gentleness. I love myself enough to be patient and compassionate with this renewal process. I will soak in the sunshine of joy, and allow the gentle rain of my own compassion to nourish the cells of my consciousness. I will create boundaries to protect the fragile new starts generating within. I will give myself time to heal. I am growing back.


Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson 


Life is growth. If we stop growing, technically and spiritually, we are as good as dead. ~Morihei Ueshiba 


'Healing,' Papa would tell me, 'is not a science, but the intuitive art of wooing nature.' ~W. H. Auden


Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it. ~Tori Amos